In some cases, the decision for a family to emigrate comes from a job offer or career opportunity for only one or other of a couple. Following a spouse in this scenario can be a difficult position in which to find yourself. A previously equal partnership may become skewed and the needs of the one appear to be placed before the other.
So where does that leave you, the other half of the couple? What are the challenges and how can you manage the new role into which you may have unexpectedly been cast?
Legal status
Even the terminology in visa applications and other documentation referring to an accompanying partner can be uncomfortable – these include ‘dependant’ and ‘trailing spouse.’ These definitions can make a previously independent person feel disempowered and this can play out further when it comes to opening bank accounts, signing up for utilities, or other administrative processes where only the lead on the visa can sign legal documents.
To make matters more difficult, in some countries the accompanying partner is unable to work due to visa restrictions and this can place additional pressures on a couple when making a move overseas.
Losing your tribe
Leaving friends, family, colleagues and your community behind can be extremely difficult, perhaps more so for the person who is not busy taking up a new job. Finding yourself at home in a supporting role can make the feelings of loss even more acute.
Shifting dynamics
Relationships can undergo a fundamental shift in a relocation. While one is dealing with all the demands of a new job, the other is at home, managing the logistics of the move. Settling children into school, finding doctors, plumbers and all those service providers you had on speed dial at home is difficult, especially if there is a language barrier. Routines are disrupted and where certain jobs were previously shared, all the domestic chores may now fall to the so-called ‘trailing spouse’.
Managing the situation
Preparation before the move
Being able to anticipate the pitfalls of your emigration before you leave home can help you manage any situation, including the legal status of both parties. Be sure that all appointments that require the principal visa holder to be present and to sign documents are made jointly to avoid any frustration once you arrive in the new country.
Join the community
Becoming part of your community, whether it’s through Whatsapp groups, parent teacher associations at school, or through other local structures can help with your integration into your new home.
Find a new tribe
No one can replace old friends who know you well but see your relocation as an opportunity to find new ones. You can meet people by picking up the hobbies you had at home, joining a gym, walking or running group, or you may start new pursuits that have a more local flavour. Some companies are better than others at supporting new employees and their families but if yours isn’t especially proactive in this regard, there may be an expat support group in the city that can help you adjust to your new circumstances.
Stay in touch with home
Without holding on to the old at the expense of embracing the new, technology allows for easy contact with home via FaceTime and other audio-visual platforms. For everyone in the family, but most especially the stay at home partner, staying in touch with loved ones and sharing your new life with them can be a lifeline.
Practice self-care
Be easy on yourself. Emigration is a massive, life changing experience for everyone in the family and everyone is dealing with the new environment. While your partner might be getting to grips with a new work role, so are you. Make no mistake, finding your feet and getting everyone settled is work, and can be both physically and emotionally exhausting. Knowing yourself and your pressure points including not sleeping and other signs of anxiety, is important in practising self-care.
Communication
You and your partner need to remind yourselves often of the reasons you undertook your move. It may have been a joint decision around gaining new experiences, or it may be the scenario we have described, where only one of you is able to further their career. But, if you’re in this together and provide each other with all the support you need, your transition will be much easier.
Above all, be a proactive partner and do not allow being a ‘dependent’ and ‘trailing spouse’ to define you in your new role.
Tools and resources:
The Emotionally Resilient Expat by Linda A. Janssen
A Portable Identity : A Woman’s Guide to Maintaining a Sense of Self While Moving Overseas by Debra R Bryson and Charise M Hoge
The Culture Map by Erin Meyer
Comments